death of an estranged father poem

I never knew how Id feel after my mums death, but I have been deeply affected by it, and not being close to family is hard because I dont have anyone to talk to about her. I have not spoken to my father in 18 years. During the first three to four months after her death I didnt really sleep that well and to this day have absolutely no idea how I functioned at work. If the deceased did not have a valid will at their time of death, the position of an estranged child will be quite different. I didnt know till he had gone. I cant find any books to help him navigate this difficult time. Sending Love to everyone. The nursing home wont release much information to me where he passed other than he died of Covid-19. I did confront him and did try to have him in my life but I simply couldnt. My father estranged himself from almost everyone in our family once he and my mother formally separated a number of years ago after abuses escalated. Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. Its strange because Im not close to my siblings either, and me and my sister were estranged from our mother. I was so influenced by my parents that I entered into a marriage that took the exact same spin. by . Perhaps people are saying, but men sometimes dont think, in general. The years may pass, memories fade to grey, but you're getting no younger; you'll see them someday. Thanks Karen, there are so many similar stories to ours. Did you attend the funeral? We have many memories together growing up. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I found it by specifically googling this topic. Forgetting the past does not necessarily mean forgiving the past. I put on a brave face and acted like it didnt bother me. I feel that I dont have a right to refer to him as my dad let alone share how I feel. I never thought in a million years that I would feel the way that I do today. Yet I don't think 'normal' is the word I'm looking for. floor she is tall slender with long dark brown hair in ponytail pointed nose wide mouth innocent face she confides her estranged father is famous Chicago mobster Odysseus recognizes his name they . I didnt attend my brothers funeral as it was made clear I was not welcome from messages second hand from my sister. . He has a new life with a new partner and her children and wants to forget the life he had before. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. We went together and then afterwards we just processed what we had just done. When someone loses an estranged parent through death, there may or may not be a huge need for support from family and friends. I am not a Dr and did not mean to dismiss my fathers adoption at all, I am merely putting forward my feelings about his death. Hi Amanda Though we might expect to feel relief that an estranged parent is no longer a part of our lives, it is far more common to find that the death affects us intensely on several unexpected levels. I am 33 and sadly I cannot even remember exactly when I was told my father died, it was some time in the last 5 years and it was so painful and triggered long episodes of depression, so I do not really clearly recall when. Here goes. You are right though, the offers of comfort and support were surprisingly lacking. Thanks for your blog post Erica. Grieving any death is a very personal, unique expression. I hope you are able to find peace xx. He was never going to be the Dad I wanted or needed him to be. I was shocked that I needed support and very fortunate to have it. Ive read this with interest, and tears in my eyes. The loss of what could of been is breaking my heart as much as my fathers passing. Like most of the ppl in this comment section I hadnt had a relationship with my dad since he left when I was 6. Knowing that fact released me from regret and guilt about what did or did not occur before he died. Fast forward 10 yrs. Because, I have an amazing father and here I was/am mourning a horrible person who never did any better for himself and died a death no one should. Hes aged so much and he looks so frail, the thing is, as callous as this sounds, I have never cared if he was alive or dead. . My mother tried to take her life twice when I was young. My sister and oldest brother had left by now. It brought back feeling of anger and betrayal, and longing for what couldve been. There are many reasons the relationship with a parent becomes estranged. How are you feeling now? Im glad I wrote this as lots of people have been or are in the same situation and I didnt realise. He was a very difficult man, controlling, a bully. I was startled by the dream I had about him that happened on the eve of his death. I did not lose someone I spoke to every day. Days & Nights Out in and Around Sevenoaks, Really Easy Goats Cheese Al Forno Pasta Recipe Prezzo Style, Introducing Luvanto Flooring and its Benefits, 5 Steps on Dealing with Grief | Life in a Break Down. A death in the family leaves a void that cannot be filled. This article has actually made me cry. My dad refused to attend because, he said, He didnt want to get lost when driving.. There was a time when you, Meagan, were happy to see him. What Can You Do When an Estranged Parent Dies? "You and your brother are probably the two good things your father ever did with his life," my mother said on the phone after I told her of his death. I felt guilty for accepting sympathy from someone who was grieving their REAL parent, but I shouldnt have. Do not assume that you were left out with evil intent. Well I dont feel like I will grieve but I know that something has also been lost a connection with my past a connection to my mother who I loved so deeply. My dads sister has been cruel over my decision and would be cruel If I attended the funeral. With estrangement, there's often an enduring hope that things might change. All these years they though I didnt wanted anything with him because my mom (that is another type of abuse case) told me bad things about him as a kid, I never told them my stories of my chasing phase because I didnt wanted to hurt them, since they loved him, now is harder because now everybody is hurting and Im back at being the invisible one, the one that according to them hated him anyway, so or they try to fix what Im feeling sending me angel wings and stuff like that to represent him, or they tell me I feel how I feel because I didnt forgave him, when I was just protecting myself for being abandoned again for the time number 1000. Call me mercinary or whatever you like but I have had a dad size hole in me my whole life and it has had a profound impact. I felt hurt for my mum as well. Maybe they should do cards that say Im sorry you lost your father however it happened. Sadness is just one of many emotions that are experienced during the grieving process. He has two girls which are my half sisters. I would call it estranged relationship. E ven in my darkest hours, you were always there for me. If someone had said their estranged parent had passed away, well, they didnt have a relationship with them anyway, so what? Hope that you find the strength to cope up with the loss, at least that's what your dad would have wanted. He barely kept in contact over the years, it has been 25 years since we all separated. The most unexpected feelings emerge at the news of a loved-ones death. You make your own way for the healing of the future. He did not deserve it. I am glad I have been able to help, even if in a small way. Reading you blog is something I can finally resonate with as Ive found it extremely hard to put my feelings into writing. My father recently lost his father whom he had a very horrible relationship with and is having a heard time grieving. My kids and I decorated his fresh mound of dirt with flowers and then my husband took them to the car while I sat and talked with him. Im so sorry for what happened to you, you are not alone. I guess what I am trying to say is please treat someones loss as you would the loss of any parent. But for my dad, I mourned his death years ago when he chose to go on with his life and I chose to stick with those who love me better. Yet here I am utterly devastated and beyond heartbroken I feel like a fraud and Im losing my mind. Now with his loss putting my feelings into words is very hard and deeply complicated. Thank you so much for this post Erica. My stomach feels hollow, my mind is numb and I cry none stop. He just seemed more into what he wanted to do than paying attention to me. My father passed away just yesterday. Timeshares for saleon the resale market can be bought or rented at up to 50% off! Although he lives in the same small town as I do, I almost never see him, and although in his 70s, he remarried. 2. No funeral even if was in the states! Speaking from my own experience. Your feelings as a valid as anyone elses. Thankyou x, Today is the first anniversary since my Dad passed away and Ive been trying to think how best to express my grief grief that I feel is undeserved. I didnt have a Dad. So, when my sweet cousin (whose house I spent so much time at) called me a few weeks back to say that hed died in his sleepI wasnt even fazed. Im writing about this because parents die and when they do, its extremely hard. 08 Mar. I am glad it has helped a little. The generous soul of nature & the comforting arm of night. I have a sibling who did have a close relationship with him and so its difficult right now to navigate my siblings grief is so different and also much more normal. All I know is that I am grieving of the good memories and the reality of its over. Thanks Heidi, I agree everyone should be able to grieve and I hope your son is able to understand the circumstances of his relationship with his father. As a guy, it adds another layer of complexity because men showing signs of grief and sadness is considered weak. So I guess one day I will find out hes dead but how I dont know I feel like its a double whammy you are a child and have no control over what your parents do but then are made by society to feel guilty that you dont have a relationship. I still resent not having that relationship, one that I think we all deserve really. Or Id stay with my favorite aunt and her three girls (close in age to me), who lived a couple exits south. I did not see my dad since he left when I was 3, and we were not particularly bonded and I dont remember it being loving. Thats it, walking away was the right thing to do. As I grew, I spent a lot of time at my sisters houses with their families. Ive felt guilty to mourn him; he was already gone from my life so I felt I had been through that already. Lots of sympathy has come in, and I feel almost like a fraud for accepting their sympathy. I grieved the loss of what could have been or should have been many years ago and for the last about 20 years Ive been at peace with the estrangement. But oddly there is also an element of relief like this is the last time he will leave me. Sadness is just one of many emotions that are experienced during the grieving process. My Father by Yehuda Amichai. One weekend, he picked me up from my sisters house. Once when they cut ties (or you choose to move on because theres nothing left to give), and again when they die. He recently passed away, I have been blown away by the emotions that have surfaced. 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